An old friend emailed to say…

An old friend emailed me yesterday to say hello and check-in on my life. It got me thinking….I have a few friends, not lots, not an over abundance, just a few. And among those I have a few I would consider the ultimate friend. The “best” friend. Say maybe about three. I have a few more who I probably sometimes surprise by checking in on them and they, likewise, surprise me by sporadically checking in on me. Say about 2-3 of these. And then, I also have a few more friends that I have turned a page with. Not a hard page, but a page. I still eternally care for these friends and would definitely try to support in any manner but they just seem to have life wrap around them. I understand that everyone falls into the trap of forgetting others on occasion. However, these friends that I have turned the page on are ones that time and time again I have found to be too wrapped up in their own lives or own goals to see what is going on around them. And I am sure everyone has friends like this. Think on it, the ones that never initiate the calls to check in, or rarely make the effort if you don’t reach to them, the ones who can’t be bothered to see you, the ones who always enjoy a pick-me-up but rarely particpate in it for another. Now, perhaps this sounds like I am whining or complaining. Perhaps you have no friends like this- good for you! I, however, have a few friends like this. And as I have gotten older I get less and less ok with friends like this. I try my best to give everything. In love and in life, with my spouse and with my friends. I kind of expect the same. Now some friends can only an ear- and thats enough,because they are giving their all. Other friends of mine join me for girl’s rendezvous from one side of the world to the other. Its not about what they give or do, its just about giving all they can. I’m deciding that more and more I just want to be honest. And I want a friend who knows that it is entirely possible to juggle a a best friend in the midst of life to include: a kid and a spouse and a job and a family and a pet and so on and so forth! It is possible, promise! As I mentioned, I do have a few “best” friends”- so obviously I haven’t had too many problems with all my priorities to juggle. 

I guess the point is just that as I am aging I have decided more and more to tell the truth. Some of my friends won’t like it. My ultimate friends, well they’ve been used to this all along, no walking on eggshells  so I doubt it will affect us much. It’s just as you get older you realize the ridiculousness of trying to be nice so someone likes you, I suppose its the same with a boyfriend or girlfriend. If you have to duck your head or be something else- why bother?! Because, at some point, and yes it really will happen, you will get so tired of being that person you had to be. Or, you will slip and let out the real person and greatly offend the person you are with and they will get upset. Just enjoy who you are. Tell the truth regardless of the cost. Ask forgiveness when required. And enjoy life.

everything suddenly clicks into place….

mother’s day was a bomb this year for me. i mean an absolute bomb. my husband was in europe and was unable to celebrate with me (he did write a very sweet and beautiful email that i woke up to), my son was/is pushing the envelope on everything so it meant constant correcting- additionally my son spilled my free mimosa all over my skirt as he was pushing the bounds of his limits, testing, and retesting, we had macaroni and cheese for dinner (granted it was the bluebox so i cannot complain too much) as it was one of the few groceries we had left in our pantry and i had zero desire to visit the store, and the dog drove me nuts on an hourly basis. in short, i felt like i was a single mother again with no one to really acknowledge what i do for the family…and i’m pretty sure the beautiful rings on my left hand are indicative that i am no longer a single mother and might actually be appreciated….

now what did i imagine my mother’s day to look like? well, something more along the lines of this:

waking up to coffee in bed and my oh-so handsome husband smiling at me while holding a box of some bauble of sorts and flowers, my mild-mannered and well behaved child coming down to give me a kiss, tell me he loved me and handing me some beautiful homemade card he had worked on with his dad (stepdad technically i suppose) followed by some sort of sweet and savory small breakfast while we lounged on the couch or bed enjoying company. of course my husband would refill my coffee cup so it was never empty or cold (*note: he actually does this on an almost daily basis when he is in the home-yeah, i totally lucked out with this amazing man!). then we would get ready, throw on some clothes and would head to the local creperie (La Fontaine in Old Town Alexandria) and enjoy a wonderful breakfast and of course I would not have thing spilled on me nor would I have my four year old use me for a napkin- not once! Following this meal we would head home, take the dog on a stroll, watch the little one ride his bike up and down the lane and enjoy some time in what was a gorgeous day. That evening we would either walk up the street to find some dinner or my husband and son would make something together and I would sit there and listen to their chatter while catching up on a book I had not had the opportunity to read and enjoy the cool glass of wine brought to me….

Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhh…….this is the part where I admit I’m RE-DICULOUS. and being an adult can totally acknowledge how absurd my fantasies are. but hey- a girl has to dream right???!!!! so, while my day did definitely NOT turn out that way i spent my day alternating between being bummed that my husband was not there and chastising myself for already being so blessed in life and having the “poor, poor, pitiful me” syndrome. i am not catholic but i think my family could teach the catholics a thing or two on guilt. it is deeply imbedded in the women in my family to guilt their daughters and this chain seems to have continued for longer than i care to admit. so i can rationally sit there and know that i have nada, bubkiss, zero, zilch to complain about and yet i cannot keep myself from being bummed. of course even on skype it was apparent to my husband who asked me what was wrong. after being pressed i admitted that i just saw this day going very differently. and that i was very disappointed and felt let down. which in turnMeade my husband feel bad, which in turn made me feel worse….sigh!

so at the conclusion of my day when i opened a bud light (and i detest bud light and it was in fact in the fridge solely for a guest we had visit at one point) because we were out of my imports and tasty beers i made macaroni and cheese. and little j helped stir and add the cheese, mix the butter- and he was so happy and proud to help. once it was done we settled at the table, napkins in our laps, and started to eat dinner. we must have been hungry because we forgot to say grace and for a little while there was only silence. then i looked at him and said, “this is really good- you did a wonderful job in making this.” to which he looked up, smiled, and replied back, “i made it just for you mommy.” it is at that point that like the shutter on a camera everything clicked into place and my day is focused. this is what mother’s day is about, more importantly, this is what being a mother is about. the days are not perfect, the hours are unending, the work is a ton….but it all evens out in an instant with cheesy (literally) smile and a sweet expression of pure love.

so now i am going to sit the rest of my evening, drinking my cheap beer and watch my son race his cars all over the living room and smile and let the day go. he will be picking up his toys later, but for now he can have some fun and destroy the living room. i think i’m even going to get down and join him for a little bit…..

ps- to my husband, i am so sorry i was not happy and chipper this morning….ok, ok, or all day. i do love you very much and i am completely aware of how wonderful you are and all the little things you do on a daily basis. xoxo

burr…but not cold!

I am relatively new to the blogging world but enjoy writing and sometimes just like letting my thoughts go wild. This will be a public blog but as I am one in a sea of thousands I expect to have some anonymity….who actually reads every blog out there right?!!!

so i am in my thirties, recently married (well remarried), one “child” child- several older children, i can be a workaholic, and i have my moments of being slightly ridiculous but hey, my husband loves me and my son is crazy about me too! so life is pretty great! my son was the biggest thing in my life up until recently; and now he, along with my husband, are my sanity, my life, my heart, my world. i feel immeasurably blessed by having these two amazing men in my life and feel that i have been given the greatest gift from God in getting to raise my son (although i have moments where i wonder of the accuracy of that statement!) and the greatest privilege to call my husband “mine”. my husband came along completely unexpectedly and and has been the solid, strong, amazingly supportive and understanding man that i have learned he is always. so not too long ago i married him and i can’t imagine ever being without him! my husband brings four children to the table. the oldest is 27 and the youngest is 14. soo, yes, here is the part where you do the math and realize that my husband must be older than i am. it has had it’s interesting moments at times and does not help that i still get told that i look about 20. but, age is a number that my husband and i really could care less about. additionally, my husband has three grandchildren…..so yes, technically that makes me a grandmother! so my life is not classic or typical but it is really lovely and i enjoy every moment and those in in it.

i have a wonderful career where i enjoy the work and the rewards. i am very thankful to have achieved so much in my short time on life and feel that while there is a ton i still want to conquer i am happy and humble to be where i am now. i also happen to have an amazing group of friends who i could rely on if i were stuck in the middle of idaho with a flat tire and no money….they would come and they would likely come with beer and a nice wine and a lot of teasing….but i wouldn’t want it any other way. i feel like a broken record but i am really lucky and really happy and really blessed. and i thank God for everything, every day.

so, this is my story about being in love with life….